so i am watching this show called drop dead diva.  the gist of the show is that a model dies and ends up in the body of a smart but fat lawyer.  the show has all the obvious elements of a show about a fat person and i am finding myself more and more angry with shows about so called "normal" people. and i am already too offended by the fat woman dating show to even want to give it a chance to see the offensiveness firsthand(even giving them a "normal looking guy" like fat women are not allowed to have attrctive men.) i find it irritating that every fat person emotionally eats. that every fat person really only wants a boyfriend and marriage.  that every fat person has a cat. that every fat person is reclusive and should be that way.  grrrr....there are so many other aspects to each and every person that have nothing to do with physical apprearance.  it is aggravating too that television is making such a blatant attempt to "include regular women"  in such a half-assed and offensive way.  oh yeah.  and that awful dance your ass off show?  hypersexualizing overweight people like they are playing some sort of joke on them? 

we went strawberry picking today.  i was wearing a cowboy hat and joking around about pretending to be a migrant worker.  after about an hour and 20 lbs. i gained an interesting appreciation.

i find it interesting that people pay good money to go out and do a job that most workers get paid pennies to do.  people talk about how much fun it is to be out in nature gathering their local and organic foodstuffs while the people that do this for a living barely squeak by on that sort of salary and must follow the crops that are in season.  now, i am not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but i am comfortable enough to be able to participate in the picking and gathering of my food for a more expensive price(although, it is more expensive in the store.)  this is truly the work that people do not want to do.  it is tough and thankless.  not necessarily so fun when one must pick from sunup to sundown, bent over the low growing strawberry bushes. i don't want that job!

i am watching this pbs documentay about a glass artist named dale chihuly.  now i can watch glassblowing FOR DAYS, but i am finding myself totally amused by the annealing dude.  he stands there in a fireproof cape and hat/faceguard thing waiting for the blowers to "tink tink" the piece off the punty.  he catches it with the fireproof gloves and delivers it into the annealer. 

this is what it must feel like when the mistress clings to the notion that her lover will leave his wife.  in no uncertain terms, he said that he could not stay, despite wanting to, because he had to go see his girlfriend.  this is while we were naked, next to each other, fingers entwined...

i guess there is some part of me that always hoped we would end up together somehow.  all the signs pointed to him being in my life.  wanting the relationship to somehow go from mostly secret to something valid.  i was so mistaken!  i hate being the perennial "other woman." 

i think my trips to the gym are(finally) paying off.  so now i am excited and planning to attend some fitness classes now that all my shows have had the season finales. 

i just got home from a book reading.  i generally enjoy them and end up purchasing the book about half the time.  this one was called dream house by valerie lakin.  i walked to and from, since it was a beautiful day.

tomorrow i am attending a malaysian street food cooking class.  should be interesting, especially since there are two fun co-workers taking it as well.

i got some neat things from the humane society post garage sale free giveaway.  one being a trio of lesser known(at least to the layman) composer busts.  i think i will spraypaint them gold(along with the one of mr. bohage-long story) to put on the piano.  i have always inexplicably wanted composer busts for the piano.  i think they will be an interesting addition.
 
i picked some lilacs this afternoon and bunched them on the table for a nice centerpiece.  fluffy has been sitting  next to them on the table, despite his knowing full well he is disallowed.  that is how much he loves them.  as do i.

i am having yet another dilemma when it comes to one temptation.  i have written that i may be having feelings for him and i am thinking the sentiment might be mutual.  but where on earth is there to go?  we have slept together. a lot.  we know each other pretty well after 8 years.  we can't be "just friends" the chemistry is too great to ignore.  but do i bring it up?  will he?  there just keep being signs pointing to the fact that we mutually want more.  something that gives me pause, however, is the fact that a good long-time friend of mine totally despises him.  this stems from an incident when we first hooked up.  i have the feeling i would be excommunicated were i to actually be in a relationship with him.  and do i even want that?  what we have now is pretty rad, although truthfully i would not really mind seeing him more often....

i lost an earring today.  i hope not into a pastry.

REALLY???

since i get up so early, i feel like a loser when i retire in the evening, many times having just watched television all day.  this week i went out and did some things and had a great time.

tuesday my sister and i went to the piano bar.  it was fairly laid back and the pianist and singer were quite good.  we came home and watched high school musical 3 whilst drinking champagne and eating truffles.

thursday my friend and i went to see lorenzo's music.  we have been seeing them for about 10 years now.  they were great, their first set being all tom waits covers.  awesome!

friday i went out for gallery night.  stopped in to the glass studio.  another one to see my friend's husband's work. the new spa by my house(who knew?) and the bazaar.  there were many neat things and i got some ideas.  i also found a really neat picture that i will soon take. 

other:
-i want to take more pictures.  i have found some neat things around and feel like i should capture some before i leave here.  also to add to the black and white wall.
-anyone had their eyebrows sugared?  i am looking into it since a) i am sick of tweezing every freakin' day b) prolonged treatment is said to permanantly stop growth(!) and c) i think i want it professionally done.
-CSA starts soon!!!! i have been craving veggies in anticipation for weeks now!!
-my second eyeball shot from dr. meanie mean man might actually have made things better!  i have one more treatment left!
-i have been making some neat cakes lately!

that is all

the inevitable has happened. i had to get a second job. it is at banana repiblic and i start tomorrow. i am hoping it will not interfere too much with summer plans, but i am guessing that will not be the case. i am worried about being more exhausted than i have been. i am worried that i will lose my sanity. but, i have racked up some high medical bills in efforts to avoid going blind(and i am worried it is starting in my good eye.) on the flipside, there will be a discount on clothes. i already found many cute things i want.

i may start taking pictures to make updates of my CSA all summer long. i have kind of kept track of what is in season, as well as notes about recipes and the like. i think a pictography of this summer may be a lot of fun. who knows, maybe it will be stupid. i am excited, as i splurged(and regret a tad) and got 2. one is the CSA i have been going with for the past 5 years. the other is a "market share" in which i get punch cards each month which can be used at their farmers' market stands as well as pick your own at the farm. it is predominantly strawberries, tomatoes and peas. i think i will add strawberry preserves to my repertoire. i am thrilled about some new things i have been making. i have a fantastic focaccia recipe, perfected since i decided to start using the breadmaker to serve as my dough sous chef. also, my cheesemaking is getting better. there was a saffron broth i had at the green zebra restaurant in chicago which was absolutely heavenly.

i have had the week off. it has been awesome and nice and i would prefer to not have to return. oh well. we went to chicago for a couple days. it was nice to have a change of scenery and do something different. we went to the aquarium. saw a fascinating short cartoon about apartheid at the museum of contemporary art. dressed nicely for a fantastic dinner at an awesome vegetarian restaurant/trip to a piano bar. walked the magnificent mile for some shopping. came back and realised just how small madison is and just how desparately i want to leave.

it is so difficult/easy to go out to eat as a vegetarian. easy in that there is generally only one or two choices. difficult in that the vegetarian entrees are more like afterthoughts. there is generally little effort put into these dishes, as most places bank on the meat eaters(i only save $.19 on $5footlong!!) it was so refreshing to see a menu thoughtfully created with the vegetarian in mind. i want to return already!

it is nice outside. i think i want to take a walk, even though my eyes are burning with the itchy sting of allergies. fuck you pollen! there is pumpkin-chocolate chip bread in the oven and i am planning "mediterranean enchiladas" for dinner.

( recipe!! )

so i had yesterday off and we had tentatively planned a trip to IKEA. i woke up, feeling apathetic and bored. i mentioned that i prolly did not feel like going. we decided to go to lunch, debating each frequented restaurant. we ended up at bunky's(where i had never been) since i had been craving a salad in specific and falafen lin general. it was charming and fantastic! whilst feasting, ABBA:Gold was playing. now, that just happens to be the album we put on as we near the best place on earth. so we decided to go. and had a fun fun time! there were tattooed boys with accents(with whom we kept crossing paths) and much laughter and fun. i finally bought the cabinet for my accidental teacup collection(it looks awesome) and i was really good and only spent $50 above and beyond that.

today i bought a pretty necklace and(finally) a record player(that happened to be on clearance.) i did the dishes and listened to Hair. i also repotted some plants that desperately needed it as well as planted rosemary, catnip and catgrass.

i had been feeling exhausted, burnt out and on the verge of panic attacks. yesterday made me feel so much better and the continuing experiment that is our apartment has some really awesome new elements. yesterday and today have been just what i have needed, excpet for the fact that i spent WAY too much money. oh well.

http://madison.craigslist.org/fuo/1071006579.html

want!

my sister and i are pretty sure we had the casio keyboard that made that beat. we think it was "samba."

i decided to learn cheesemaking. at least fresh cheeses. we eat a ton of fresh mozzarella in tomato season, and it is apparently quite easy. i ordered the kit, which includes the vegetable rennett, citric acid, cheesecloth and other assorted cheesemaking accoutrements. i am psyched and my sister will be absolutely thrilled!

i am thinking about getting a second CSA for the summer. it is from a farm that primarily grows strawberries. they have an option called the "market share" in which you get a punchcard each month and can spend it at their booth at the farmer's market. this includes preserves, meat(for my sister) and strawberries in addition to the all the other seasonal vegetables. i am not sure whether or not this is a good idea, seeing as how i am overwhelmed some weeks when the zucchini is in full force and tomatoes are abundant. on the other hand, i am gaining skill each year in using the box up as well as freezing and canning. even making preserves and fruit butters and the like! this winter has been one of the best yet as far as making the most of my CSA. i am close to using up most of the winter stores, but i should be getting my renewal any day now. and my friend and i just ate the last of the raspberry preserves and apple butter just last week!

i dragged out the breadmaker this evening. i generally really enjoy making bread by hand, from scratch. i have, however, not been doing so as frequently as i used to. i think it is partly due to work being so exhausting some days. so i think i may be able to compromise in simply using the thing for making the dough, finishing it up in the oven. i think that may be reasonable,especially since i do use a slow cooker to have soup ready for me when i arrive home. i just hope it still works. or i can find the manual online.

i'm not sure if it is the weather or the book i am reading, but i feel energetic and inspired and excited about the summer!

there is a new vintage bike shop a block away(where the glitter workshop used to be.) i want to sell my kinda crappy bike and get a fancy vintage cruiser(like the one i used to have, the one that got stolen.) anyone want a bike?

http://www.createforless.com/products/popupProductLargeImage.aspx?id=135031&picid=146858&idt=i
anyone else remember these plaster paint it kits? when i was like 6 or 7 i was so into them! i got a strawberry shortcake character and painted it. poorly. it may still be in the toybox at my parents' house. i just got an easter kit. i squealed with delight when i saw it and will likely do the same when i get to paint!!!

do you remember your first inappropriate crush?  mine's name was dennis.  i was 13 and he was 21 and for some reason i totally wanted him.  i'm sure i would have had absolutely no idea what to do with him if i got him, but man did i daydream.  it would have been so illegal on so many levels. 

so, just the other day i was looking up people from my far far past on facebook.  lo and behold, he has an account.  8 years is not such a gigantic age difference these days.  i friended him and we have been sending emails back and forth.  he looks a little older(and minus the awesome 80's feathered blonde hair) but i recognized his picture anyhow.  i think i would like to see him.  how weird would that be, now that i know what to do with an older guy ;)

how weird would that be.  to actually have something happen with a blast from the past as it were.  i wonder if i still have the picture that i kept by my bedside.  there were 2 boys in it i had the hots for.  the other was way more appropriate, being just a year older and all(we are in contact again as well.)

i bought a cute dress tonight.  i should not really have brought my credit card out, but whatever.  it is cute and i want to wear it real soon.  on a date or something, even though i do not date.  maybe other crush will get his act together and finally go out with me.  i feel like perhaps 9 months is enough time to wait and ask him to dinner again?  who knows.

i think i am going to clicker-train my girl cat.  i feel like she could learn and she is totally motivated by wet food.  i have already taught her a few tricks and i am thinking about what i could teach her now.  i ordered a clicker and a book about it, so we will see i guess.

years ago when we first got the cats, one of them crapped in the bathtub all the time.  he who shall not be named thought it was fluffy and scolded the poor kitty constantly.  in light of unfolding developments, i think it was rose and feel horribly that he got scolded so frequently.  he always looked so ashamed.

it is snowing.  i am sick and tired of the winter. i have been cold.  i have been sick.  i just want to wear dresses with bare legs again.  i want to go outside without being freezing cold.  i want my allergies to kick in!

i think i will make some chocolate chip banana bread.  the bananas are perfectly black!

i went to see a specialist about the weird blur in my left eye.  it is "multifocal chorioretinitis" which is a totally fancy way of saying that there is swelling and scarring in many areas of my eye.  it is a condition that is apparently really rare among females that are nearsighted and healthy and as of now i am legally blind in my left eye.  they have aboslutely no idea why this happens.  he stuck a big needle into the back of my eye, which was petrifying and cost $1500 that may or may not be covered by said insurance. i can now not swim for 3 days and i am subject to yet another course of antibiotics(albeit eyedrop ones) and more injections that, at this point, may not work and are preventing it from degenerating further should it decide to strike the other eye.  i know that there are things i have been putting off due to financial constraints and avoiding due to sheer terror. but seriously? he made me feel totally guilty about not seeing a specialist about it earlier(unlike my awesome denitst who did not make me feel in the least bit guilty about my laxity in the oral upkeep department.  did i mention how awesome my dentist is???  he is!)  like i have and extra $1500 just hanging around.  shit, i would poke myself in the eyeball if i thought it would make me better. think i felt a little better about things when i did not have insurance.  at least then i did not have to worry about the fact that my vision may be totally lost for good.  i will stop with the rant right now.

cute boy and i have been flirting.  i want to ask him to dinner again.  see if he will actually come this time.  8 months ago i was totally humiliated when he did not show up.  i had made dinner and everything.  i have the feeling that he really is that spacey and he did not do it to be mean, but my self-esteem drops to zero when it comes to matters of the heart.  especially when i really like a person.  anyhow.  we have been having good conversations and we smile at each other.  i still really have no idea if he is even single or gay, but dinner does not necesarily have to even be a date thing.  i love making food for friends regardless...which brings me to....

i am having some really conflicted feelings about one temptation.  he just left.  we had great great sex.  he came to visit me last week when i was otherwise indisposed.  he brought ice cream, made me a milkshake and watched a movie with me.  and did not try to make a move on me while i was all doped up.  now, i have been on-again/off-again with him as a friend-with-benefits for 8 years now.  and it has always just been that.  there has been no "feelings" per se.  but the fact that he cared enough to make me a milkshake says a little more to me somehow.  i have never ever wanted to be his girlfriend. EVER.  i have so many problems when that title is applied to me.  it makes me feel trapped and really turns me into something that i am not.  i get bitchy and uptight and everything falls apart.  happens every time.  i actually pretty much prefer the friends-with-benefits lifestlye.  yet i have a sneaking suspicion that both of us are somehow getting other feelings for each other.  deeper than just friends that have super hot sex every time.  and this totally freaks me out.  he would not be good for me. i am totally sure of this.  and it complicates the fact that i have a super duper crush on someone else.  what to do, what to do??

anyhow.  i miss sandwiches.  and popcorn.  i cannot open my mouth wide enough for the former and the latter would get stuck in the gaping holes left in the back of my head. all said though, i had nothing to worry about and i am such a big baby.